USHER IN THE NEW WEEK WITH LAUGHTER
It’s been two days now, and I’m still horrified about everything that has happened. I have always thought myself to be a smart, conscious, careful and overly perfect young man.
Or so I thought.
I don’t know how I can make amends. I may have lost the love of my life, my darling Nkiruka.
Before I go on about my pain, permit me to expatiate the root cause of it; the how and the whys. Then maybe you will be able to help me out of my dilemma.
I’m not a man of many words so I will try to express myself as best as I can in other for you to understand me, or better still, put yourself in my shoes. Continue reading
This is the part someone throws confetti in the air, one girl faints and hysteria grips the populace. Yes, TTBT is back and reloaded with commentary and the funniest pictures living in cyber space.
First lets deal with the latest gist making front page news
*GEJ suspends Sanusi for financial impropriety. When students of history and political science commence study of our present political terrain, they’ll mark this singular act as the last straw that paralyzed GEJ’s administration.
*Facebook buys Whatsapp for $16 billion. Here are a few facts about the Whatsapp deal and Whatsapp in general that you probably didn’t know before today:
A. Whatsapp was founded by Jan Koum and Brain Action
B. In 2009, Brain Action applied for a job in Facebook and was turned down.
C. Whatsapp had 55 employees before the deal (including the founders)
D. The deal has created 2 billionaires and 53 millionaires.
E. Jan Koum and Brain Action grew up in poverty therefore their story is one of the first rags to riches story in Silicon Valley.
*Michael Freesoul works on another design expected to achieve and surpass the ‘my oga at the top’ fame.
* OMOMI app launched
Omomi is an app to guide pregnant women and new mothers as they care for their little ones. Innovative and awesome yeah? ỌMỌMI is designed with the child in mind. It is the 1st app worldwide that covers all of the WHO childhood survival strategies. This easy-to-use mobile application will help mothers keep their children healthy. The app will ensure that parents can easily monitor their children’s growth, remember routine immunization visits, as well as handle some common childhood ailments like diarrhoea. The app also has a GPS locator of the nearest hospital or health facility in case of emergencies, and provides a repository of child health information, including vital tips on breast feeding. In addition the mothers community section of ỌMỌMI will provide a safe and secure platform for mothers to interact. Follow the link to download the app from google playstore https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.mobicure.omomi
Pen on paper, stylus on tablet, or what you will…
Lord of the Farts
The night was unusually dark or maybe that was his imagination. Anfo snuggled deeper into his jacket, shivering despite the heat, feeling naked though fully clothed, rethinking all his life’s choices, wondering how he got this far. There was nowhere to go from here but forward. He prayed for the best, irony not lost on him. He was about to join a cult. Or die. Whichever way the pendulum swung.
Deep in the solar plexus of each civilization, at the sinoatrial node of every population, is an ancient, non racial clan very few know of. They control the cosmos; they play god with the lives of men and watch as their nefarious ploys play out. They are not the Fates. They are not gods. They are men. Like over 7 billion people, Anfo was unaware of their existence barely three weeks ago. And now he was on his way to becoming a member of this elite group.
He had only recently begun to hear the rumors, preposterous they seemed, that all secrets, this included, were saved as farts. Yes. Farts. No one knew the method of conversion from word to thought to fart and vice versa. Except probably those lords. Anfo believed he would find out soon enough. At first he, like you, was an unbeliever. But haven’t you ever wondered how you come to know some things without knowing exactly how you came about such knowledge? Or an ingenious idea you thought came from the gods was suddenly being implemented by someone else? Or how secrets get wiki leaked even when no one spoke? The truth is every time you fart, you let something go. Many times it is something mundane like how many times you brush your teeth in a day (or don’t). At other times it could be the difference between life and death. Depends on when you fart. Simple.
Anfo was not a derelict. In fact he was a well placed politician. Obviously his name has been changed to protect his identity, and his office shall not be stated. He was rich and he was powerful, and then he had a secret. One of his aides who had been in the game long before Anfo could recite his ABCs had introduced him to the Lords for they had turned the age old mystery into a business venture. They traded in the highest currency. Not pounds, not dollars but secrets. People paid heavily to have their secrets kept, others came to buy. It was a mystery in and of itself how the order was kept. Then again an organization of this sort couldn’t stand without a set of rules. Punishment was severe. One of the overly ambitious junior lords called Ahem had broken the code; he was never heard from again. It was his very demise that had opened this window of opportunity to Anfo for Ahem needed to be replaced.
Anfo still remembered the first time he had come. “Woman-man” a low level lord had called him staring with eyes that seemed turned into his head, and at the same time to physically wrench Anfo’s gut. He’d tried to look away but was somehow unable. He had later learnt his name was Ictgyo. Anfo did not wish to see him again. Everything after that was a blur. All he could remember was a big fuss about his being a hermaphrodite and whispers about his suitability. He was able to deduce that hermaphrodites are highly desirable in those worlds because their chi was considered balanced, not unduly influenced by male or female essence. Anfo had never been so glad to be a hermaphrodite, he thought of all the money he could make. To hell with politics. He knew he couldn’t combine both, but he could easily settle for being a godfather. He again thought of all the money he could make and smiled to keep himself calm. He knew he would have to prove himself worthy. He prayed again not out of faith but perfunctorily. He didn’t have a soul, or maybe it was still in there somewhere but he knew it wouldn’t survive tonight at any rate. He recited the only preparation he had been able to obtain….
“Careful when you fart, Careful when you fart….”
What a year 2013 has been. Looking back I can say of a truth Jehovah reigns. Can I get a hallelujah???
In true unbiasedcoin fashion, I would like to juggle our memory and cast us back to the trends that made headlines in 2013. There were so many but few would argue that the ones listed here were the most popular. Without further ado, here are the 5 biggest trends of 2013:
5. We start off with trends that weren’t strong enough to stand alone but were big trends in their own rights. These include:
A. “Go and Die”. It came complete with a Tee shirt. The widow whose life will never remain the same since the incident with the Edo State Governor will be forever grateful for this trend.
B. “Child not Bride”. Also came with a Tee shirt (designed by yours truly)
C. “Gun man pose”. Made popular by Olamide, the “duro soke” and “go down low” crooner. Like the “Planking” trend of 2011, a lot of young people and ‘agbayas’ took to social media to post pictures of them doing the pose. Sadly, I hear the album that started it all (Baddest Guy Ever Liveth by Olamide) was one of the flops of 2013.
4. Open letters
On the 2nd of December, Former President OBJ saw it fit to write current President GEJ (their initials end with J. Coincidence? I think not) an open letter. If for some reason you have been living under a rock and haven’t read the letter, click HERE to download (yeah, yeah, you’re welcome) And so the trend began and a few open letters (Iyabo allegedly wrote to her dad and GEJ replied OBJ) later, it has become common practice to air your grievances with anyone by writing them an open letter. Following from the foregoing, I have written an open letter of my own to make public my innate grievance towards money. Here is an excerpt of the letter:
Dear Mr. Money,
Where are you? Everyone else in seems to have you except me. Which levels? You appear and disappear at will. Are you a magician? It was this kind of trickery IBB deployed before he “stepped aside”. Hence I am afraid that the socio-economic quagmire we found ourselves in that infamous era, may repeat itself now.
I have fasted and prayed many times for you to have a more sustained stay in my life. But you have turned deaf ears. Therefore, I have written you this open letter. May it reach you in good spirits.
“My former aliases haven’t changed”
Honourable Pat. Obahiagbon isn’t one to use words many humans can relate to. His penchant for expressing himself with gargantuan colloquy of mammoth perspicacity is well documented (chai me self dey speak grammar o. Lol). However, he left many minds in a crinkum-crankum when he said (among many things) during an interview that, “the political crinkum-crankum. Or if you like, the political higi haga that has enveloped the politics of Rivers state for a period of time now has all the trappings of an odoriferous saga cum gargantuan gaga”. These combos of words have since become unforgettable. Many scrambled for their dictionaries to decipher them only to find that some of the words aren’t in the dictionary editions they have. “Higi haga” isn’t even english. Hehehehehehehe. Due to the honourable’s atypical manner of speaking, I designed a tee shirt to honour him.
WWPOS – What Would Patrick Obahiagbon Say. So when next you’re in a sticky situation and lost for words, just remind yourself WWPOS and you can talk your way out of anything :D. Try it today. It works wonders.
2. I don port
Arguably the best ad/commercial of 2013, Empty Hen’s, sorry, MTN’s “I don port” ad was a master stroke in advertising and marketing. The people behind it should take a bow even though the so-called “porting” service was an ABSOLUTE failure in my books. “I don port” has even joined the likes of “Nothing dey happen” and “E fit be you o” in our everyday local lingua. It even became prayer points for many. For example, “Lord, port me from one level of glory to another” or “Lord, port me from Miss to Mrs.” In addition, the “I don port” campaign taught a vital lesson. When you (Etisalat) have a diamond (Saka), appreciate it or else someone (MTN) would come along, entice the diamond with higher pay (or/and better conditions) and take it away from you. This principle is ubiquitous but can never be over reiterated as many easily turn a blind eye to it especially in relationships. Unlike the Dettol advert, if you don’t take care of your man/woman, someone else will.
1. Oga at the top
The trend of all trends of 2013.
The trend that our grand kids will quiz us about.
The trend that people in Mars got wind of.
The trend our ancestors fore told.
The trend that left many laughing hysterically to the bank and back.
The trend that CNN did a special report on.
The trend that has made many think twice before attending a Channels TV interview.
The trend that put mfs on the map.
The trend that sold more tees than “Amma kip kip”.
The trend that became a fashion statement.
The trend of the year by a LONG mile.
Need I say more?