Big Brother Africa has returned for an 8th season, let the ladies and a few males (in touch with their feminine side) shout YIPEE!!!. Lol. As is customary with the highly anticipated show, it kicked off with an opening night hosted by the debonair IK. Viewers were introduced to the contestants/housemates and a few musical acts also graced the stage to sway the audience (in the studio and at home) Enough with the chit chat; let’s get down to business, here are the 5 lessons we leant from the BBA season 8 opening night:

5. “Hip-stars” everywhere

The manner in which contestants are chosen for the show has always been a mystery to simpletons like me. However, in the case of season 8, the selection process has been demystified; particularly in regards to the female members of the house. They were chosen by the size of their hips – that’s all!. With the exception of two housemates, every other female contestant is blessed with hips that will lie straight faced to your face. Shakira has got nothing, not a farthing, on them.

According to rumours that have been fallaciously contrived to suit this lesson, judges were reported to have carried measuring tapes into the audition venues. Now we know why.

Zeus help the brothers in the house. Help them ooooooo.

I opine that this season should be renamed; BBA Season 8: By their hips ye shall know them.

4. We didn’t hear “The Kick”, we saw “The Kick”

The Mavins stormed the stage to entertain us with different songs by artistes under their “esteemed” label. D’Prince continues to show us how extremely lucky he is to have a famous older brother. Some say a spare part shop in Ladipo was the original plan until his brother got famous and he discovered his talent (in this case lack of it) for music. But before D’Prince asked us what our selling point was, Don Baba J and Wande Cole serenaded us with the only hit the Mavin’s have recorded since the split with D’banj; “The Kick”.

Prior to yesterday’s performance, it was believed by many that “The Kick” was a sound due to the hook of the song which goes, “when you hear ‘The Kick’, make you start to wind”. However such beliefs were dissuaded when everyone beheld Don Jazzy’s backup dancers. “The Kick” is clearly not a sound.

In another rumour that has been cooked up in the pot of deceit and malicious lies intending to arouse giggling, it is said that the Mavins gave up on trying to make their stage performance any good so they hired dancers with “The Kick” (massive, bodacious kicks to be exact) to distract viewers from their eminent horrendous stage performance. To be honest, this insinuation is a bit farfetched even for rumour mongers but play back the performance in your head, was it worthy of a single clap?

A master stoke by the Don himself; he kept the talk about his dancer’s “Kicks” rather than his crew’s poor showing.

3. If at first you don’t succeed; try, try, try, again

Nigeria’s male contestant is Melvin and the “famzing” has already started on social media as people who know his gate man and dry cleaner are coming out to bask in a few minutes of “really, you know him?” Somewhere in the midst of the “famzing” though, news broke that this is Melvin’s third appearance on a reality show. He has been on previous editions of Gulder Ultimate Search and Mr. Nigeria. I think he was even second runner up in Mr. Nigeria. Not bad. As someone tweeted when this information reached social media; “THE HUSTLE IS REAL”. Yes o, it is real. $300,000 is nothing to laugh about. *straightface*

Melvin is a testament to the Nigerian doggedness in issues concerning bank notes. Maybe he’ll be third time lucky. As they say, third time is the charm.

At least if he doesn’t win, he can start tracing the source of his continuous reality show mishaps to his village as will be suggested by the unforgiving crowd that is Nigeria’s social media. Lol.

2. The house Diva is Nigerian

In every season of BBA since inception, one female contestant stands out as the house diva. Last year it was that Nicki Minaj look-a-like that got herself disqualified. This year the house diva is Beverley; Nigeria’s female contestant. She even said so herself. She’s a model and if you’re a fan of Nigerian music videos you must have seen her in a couple of them; yes she’s also a video vixen. A further dive into her background reveals that she dated rapper 2shots when she was just 19. I may be wrong (which is rare in such things) but she has that aura about her that screams, “Y’all should bow and kiss my big toe”. Hehehehehe. However, she faces stiff competition for the diva crown from Dellish; the hottest female contestant on the show this year just by a few yards though as the show is packed with hot “gehs”. Dellish, from Namibia, has the diva appeal as well. I guess big brother suspected as much and placed them in different sub-divisions of the house. Beverley is in the Diamond house while Dellish bunks in the Rubie house. Rule your respective domains ladies; your subjects await.

1. The Genius/lunacy of Multi choice

One must applaud the genius of Multi choice for continuing to organise Big Brother. They obviously noticed the drastic reduction in subscription (was that a rhyme?) when football season is over. So they packed the three months football hibernation with Big Brother. Whoever came up with this marketing/sales masterstroke should have his salary quadrupled every year. Having said that, next time your TV is on, tune in to a local station and marvel at the backward nature in which our local stations still carry on with the business of television broadcasting – from the dull pictures to creatively inept programmes on display. When you’re done, tune back to DSTV, preferably to the Big Brother station and marvel at the stupidity of it all. Yes I said it. The show is borderline crass. A bunch of people are selected, obviously based on “man know man” in most cases and these people’s interpretation of being “exciting” and “fun” in the house is to drink mostly without restraint because it’s free and show no chimney can outshine them in a smoking contest. Like seriously, are smoking and drinking also a criteria for selection? Considering the money involved, I’m sure a lot of people who don’t smoke or drink auditioned, but I guess the judges believed Africa will only be entertained by revelers, and from their ratings I guess they are right.

Next year Multi choice, can we have an intellectual BBA with a house packed with geniuses in different sectors? I can hear you all booing already. Lol.

I’m out

Michael Freesoul
Follow me on twitter @michaelfreesoul

Tags: BBA the chase, Big brother Africa season 8, DSTV, Mavins, the kick