Hello there, I’m here to tell a story about something eating me up silently. Its a taboo in our society to talk about this but i want to – Its MASTURBATION.
You may call me Sister Chic; “Sister” because I’m a kingdom child and “Chic” because I’m not the deeper life kinda believer. Lol. I’m trendy, good looking (at least that’s what I’ve been told. Lol) and I love fashion.
I’m writing this just after a steamy/shameful session of self- rubbing. I guess its pertinent for you to know how my travails all began, So:
I was a virgin until I was 21years old and then death claimed my mother. After she passed away I didn’t see any reason why I shouldn’t have sex. The reason I kept my virginity that long was to make her proud anyway. I use to picture myself walking down the aisle in my Father’s arm and being worthy of the beautiful white dress (designed by a famous designer) I had on but alas I was heartbroken when she passed on. Chukwu came along to mend my heart (or so I thought at the time) but instead he broke something else – my hymen. So there I was in the university engaging in loads of sex, exploring and getting explored. All the while thinking I was mending my heart and not realising the consequences.
During the ASSU strike in 2009, my family decided it was best for me to continue my studies in a private University. Chukwu, who had already made me understand that our relationship was always gonna end, eventually broke it off after another marathon of sex when I went to visit him the day before I packed my bags.
At this point I had gotten so used to sex and wanted it so badly. One day, the word masturbation popped into my head. I really didn’t know what it was about but google came to the rescue. I saw different techniques and chose the most convenient and discovered ORGASMS for the first time. That was the beginning of this prison.
Sometime later, I got saved for real by Christ and I finally understood what salvation meant. Yes, finally. You see most people cling onto religion and say they are Christians when they don’t have a clue what it really means. For example, I grew up in a Christian household and started reciting bible verses from a tender age but it didn’t mean I was saved. This time, my Spirit got save but my mind refused to bulge. I remember in 100 level I would skip class just to have the room to myself so I could engage in lengthy rubbing sessions. My pleasure became my priority. Afterwards I’d wail, weep and pray for forgiveness. I repeated this routine until I was feed up. I love God but my body constantly craved for lust. It got better at some point as God heard my cries but then a simple dirty word written on the internet would pop up pornographic images in my mind and I’d be back to square one. I got to the point where I told God to kill me if I ever masturbated again. I broke my promise but He didn’t kill me, He’s merciful like that.
I kept yoyo masturbating but I stayed away from relationships after a couple of others didn’t work out. I’m currently in a relationship (started this year) Temi is the best thing that has happened to me in a while. Somewhere along the line we started having sex and though we both have decided not to anymore because fornication isn’t what we both value as it breaches our belief and we want to honour God with our bodies, I discovered I couldn’t climax no matter what he did and I’ve been worried. I’ve gotten so used to the ways I touch myself that my man couldn’t satisfy me.
I really want to stop masturbating, the guilt that follows when I’m done isn’t worth the 5 minutes of pleasure.
Please don’t get self-righteous on me because I know my righteousness isn’t based on my works. God knows I love Him and I want to live right by him. I want to defeat this sticky web that has held me put for the devil to prey on me. I don’t won’t to be old, grey and still masturbating.
I’m telling my story because its 5 years since I got tangled in this and I want my freedom. Pls if you are female and you’ve conquered this pls I need your help.
My name is Sister Chic and this is my struggle.
- Sister Chic